The gospel of Saint Cambodia the corrupted.

I just want to eat something without that feeling of nauseating guilt and fear that follows. It’s been almost 2 years since I truly cared about my weight and where I would purge almost everything I ingested, I really don’t want to go back to that. 
That feeling though of self-satisfaction, the feel and sight of your hip bones, the taboo of it all; it’s comforting and I miss that sense of security.

I’ve wanted to leave this country for years now; I’ve wanted to go somewhere inspiring, appealing, somewhere I’ll fit in and appreciate. Perhaps find someone that doesn’t belong to this small town and who hasn’t fucked anyone else I happen to know. I want to experience bright lights, lucid and unimaginable, fucking breathtaking scenery that really makes you appreciate why you’re alive. To tell interesting stories of great adventures, of visiting strange and unusual places, doing strange and exciting things; tasting different cuisines, and having the ability to value the history of our existence. 
Somewhere no one knows me, where I can start fresh; I can figure out exactly who I am without having to live up to the expectations I’m usually obliged to meet just in order to please those around me. 
I want to put myself straight in there on the edge and test my abilities and put every life lesson I’ve learnt in action and without the help and guidance I have around me here, honestly though; the idea is a little fucking terrifying. 
Leaving my loved ones, my closest friends and missing the most important birthdays of their lives.. I’m scared of leaving my mum and I’m just generally afraid of really taking myself out of my comfort zone.. I’ve done it before.. but going overseas where it’ll take $1,300 just to get home and WHICH I won’t have available to me straight away; I’ll have to work for it. 
I don’t see anything for me here at the moment. I hate this town, I have the option to completely leave.. I NEED to throw myself in there. I NEED to fucking do it. 

/quick way to earn some more cash while waiting for my visa approval.
/health insurance, visa, flights. THIS WEEK.
/Figure out a date for a mad ass fucking party.
/Start the biggest and most terrifying life journey yet. I know I can do this. (I hope I can do this)  

I wish there was one simple pill that could just make everything better, that gives you the answer and a preview of the bigger picture. I’m tired of the heartbreak, I’m devastated. I’m tired of feeling anxious, depressed and vulnerable and I’m tired of hiding behind drugs and my ego-fuelled way of words to hurt those around me.